November 7, 2009
Thank you for writing. No, I’ve never heard of a male spinster, though why not? There are many unmarried men of gentle family like you past the common age for marrying and unlikely to marry. There may be even more of them than the female variety. Perhaps the dictionary definition should be revised to include pioneers like you. Congratulations, dude, on breaking the lace ceiling, and welcome to the club!
I’m sure you’ve tried Match. I did. I think I was viewed something like eight thousand times. Oh, I was popular with young guys and old guys, alright, but particularly atheists. I think there’s a correlation between atheists and looking for love online. It’s amazing how many there are, many expressing such personal virtues as “loves to laugh” and “extremely open-minded” at the same time that their “religious views” articulate a particular hostility toward people of faith. Hello! I did go out with a couple and sure enough, all they wanted to do is argue about Jesus!
Do not challenge me on the Jesus front, dude. You will lose! Anyway, the last one tried and I decimated him and then, at the end of the meal, he apologized for attacking my religious views and invited me out again. That happened twice, actually: two different atheists. Weird. I said, “the conversation has been stimulating, but I’d rather save the arguing until later on—after we’re married,” which only made them look perplexed. Like they didn’t get the joke.
Anyway, I did hear from a very attractive French guy who’d just moved to New York. Lord, he was handsome, and wearing a suit! And then I saw the word “atheist” down at the bottom of his profile, and my heart sank. A little mischief always cheers me up, so I e-mailed him straight away and said, “I have proof that God exists!” and I never heard from him again. Afterward, I added the “no atheists” stipulation to my profile and then I didn’t hear from anyone except much older guys seeking much younger women, which I find creepy. There was even a married Congregationalist Minister who directed me to the church website and one of his sermons, “When Things Are Not As They Seem.” Indeed. He grilled me on being a Christian Scientist, as if there was something wrong with that. I said, “dude, you’re a married minister on a dating site. Which of our sins is greater?”
There were other interesting, presumably God fearing characters after him, who dropped into my e-mailbox like apples falling from a tree, but none was exactly right. RopeEmCowboy. OohBabyBaby. Hunque. QuestHero. Then there was the guy employed in a Tournament and Dinner Theater as King Arthur whose screen name I can’t remember. I do love a man on a horse. I had my own horse when I was 14—Dick. He was my first love! But no one appealed to me the way Dick did. None suited my sense of adventure or refined sensibility. Oh, the lousey speeling and grammer! The winks!! The vacation snapshots in tank tops or worse, shirtless!!!
I was prudent — The Modern Christian Spinster always is in matters of love and finance. As a precautionary measure, I signed up for only three months, only to discover a week ago that Match memberships don’t expire — they automatically renew. But they don’t tell you this and they don’t bill you until a month later, so you don’t discover you owe them another $75.09 until a month has passed, at which point they will make it very difficult for you to get a credit. What merchant offers credits for used merchandise you want to return a month later besides J. Crew? Certainly not Match.
Being a stickler for financial propriety, I was enraged. I am not patient with this kind of scam! Late fees? Plate sharing charges? I’ve been banned for life from the Carnegie Deli for refusing to pay $4.00 for the privilege of splitting a Reuben the size of my head. You don’t tell the Modern Christian Spinster how to eat a sandwich, buddy!
That Match is sneaky! Do you know they train their customer service reps to lie? They do. Explain you didn’t want another three months of membership and you want a credit and they will staunchly tell you that their system doesn’t allow it. Two of them did this, which is why I demanded to speak to a supervisor. After once again repeating my request, he too referenced Match’s rogue system. You know, the one that human beings program but over which they apparently have no control.
“Your company is no different from other companies that give credits,” I said. “If Con Ed does and Verizon and Time Warner do then yours can too. Capisce?”
“I’ll send your complaint to the resolution department,” he said immediately. And he did. I got my credit the next day.
A company that has a resolution department and keeps it hidden from customers? Do me a favor, will you Luvs2Cuddle? Share this little secret with your pals. And never ever sign up for Match again. Because the Modern Christian Spinster is going to share with you all you need to know about having love and finding love. Yes, you Mr. Modern Spinster dude. And it won’t cost you $75.09 Just promise me one thing. Keep your shirt on!